The stinking kind

I' ve been walking around all day having but only word in my head. Deplorable. As I find this word not strong enough, not expressive enough I was looking for any good synonyms. So just to be complete I'll give you the whole list :

afflictive, awful, blameworthy, bummer,calamitous, dire, dirty, disastrous, disgraceful, dishonorable, disreputable, distressing, dolorous, downer, dreadful, execrable, faulty, godawful, grievous, grim, heartbreaking, heartrending, horrifying, intolerable,lamentable, lousy, melancholy, miserable,mournful, opprobrious, overwhelming, pitiable,poor, regrettable, reprehensible, rotten, sad,scandalous, sickening, stinking, terrible, tragic,unbearable, unsatisfactory, woeful, wretched

But maybe a word like "disgusting" would describe better what I'm trying to express.

abominable, awful, beastly, cloying, creepy,detestable, distasteful, foul, frightful, ghastly, grody, gross*, gruesome, hateful, hideous,horrid, horrific, icky, loathsome, lousy,macabre, monstrous, nasty, nauseating, nerdy, noisome, objectionable, obnoxious, odious,offensive, outrageous, repellent, repugnant,repulsive, revolting, rotten, satiating, scandalous, scuzzy,shameless, shocking, sickening, sleazeball, sleazy*, stinking, surfeiting, vile, vulgar, yecchy, yucky After this short vocabulary lesson, let me tell you what the heck I am talking about. HUMAN KIND, everybody, I talk about human kind and whatever that may mean, because I have to be fully honest with you I have no respect what so ever anymore for anyone that can be labeled as human. Because what is human? Let's look at the definition of the word human. Having or showing those positive aspects of nature and character regarded asdistinguishing humans from other animals: an act of human kindness. Really? Is there really anything positive to being a human? Is there? No I'm not drunk and I didn't smoke, nor am I depressed. I am simply, if it wasn't yet clear enough to you, simply ashamed of belonging to this race that calls themselves superior beings of life, humanoids. I laugh. I really do, and I do it like a fat barenaked lady sitting on the floor with her legs wide open and an unshaved pussy with some flies hanging around the spot. I laugh. And I laugh with my mouth wide open, full of cavities and slime hanging from my mouth. I laugh in the most sickening ways one possibly could. Like 'they' laughed when the jews were being gassed up, and when the Rwandan were being cut up into pieces. Disgusting you think? Indeed, and only human beings can be that disgusting as to laugh about such things. But, don't be mistaken YOU are a human being too. I'm sorry but YOU are disgusting too. I have believed in the human kind. I believed it could be a better world if only I tried to make it better, to pursue my goals and to share my wisdom. Good things happen to good people? What good people? Who are the righteous? Who are the sinners? Me? Yes I am part of those disgusting beings, but I, yes people I am aware. That makes the whole difference. And yes, I do think of myself as being totally superior to anyone or anything and there is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking that as I at least am not hurting anyone by thinking so. How can I possibly love anyone belonging to such "things". I couldn't show any love before, but at least I tried, I enjoyed the company of humans. But now? If you want me to be totally honest with you, I'd rather not talk anymore and be deaf than to put up with humans. Oh please stop talking because every word you say makes this unbearable place only filthier. Every word is a lie. Shut the fuck up and clean your mouth before you speak, I feel like spitting right to your face and still my spit would be cleaner than your person. I feel such scorn towards all of you I don't think I will ever be able to respect you again. I feel pity, we didn't came out that right, now did we? What a mistake it was to let us upon this planet. I can feel Gods grief, and I mourn with him. How could something as beautiful as life create something as sickening as what we are? I'll spend the rest of my life wondering why I had to endure this endless pain, why was I born a human. I wanted to be superior, I have aimed towards simplicity & beauty. A few days ago I was having this conversation with someone about how bad he wanted to live completely free, without anyone telling him what to do. Now look what happens when one does as he pleases. Because at the end there is no dignity, there's no respect.... there's only animal instincts. And most of all... there are no exceptions to this. I will not tell why I am today saluting the human kind with my middle finger as I leave it for good. I'd like you to just think about it. Did we do any good on this planet ever since we have the capacities to understand and to make up good things from bad things. Now did we? Violence, poverty, famine, nature's destruction are but consequences of what we inflicted our planet. For this we shall pay, all of us. Mourn with me, for today I say farewell to the human race and burry it deep down under, where no one can see the shame it brought to me. Mourn with me.

Destabilizing dreams & confessions

I know, I know, I should write a post to welcome you all on my new blog and to introduce myself to all of you who don't know me yet. But I won't.... at least not right now. I think the best way for you to get to know me is simply to be introduced the hard way to an excerpt of my life.

You should also know I never post something in the morning, but this time I really have a good reason to. I woke up about 45min ago and I had a weird dream.

I don't know about you, but at times, not very often though, I have 'emotions' in my dreams. By this I mean I can feel in my body whether I'm sad or happy. I mean I can feel that in my 'living' body, not in my 'dream' body. Unfortunately those emotions, most of the time are sad emotions. But let me explain.

I have this friend leaving, someone who for some odd reason really has an important place in my life. Ever since I know he is leaving (and in some way he actually already left) I've been very confused and emotional. I even wrote him a whole message, just to tell him the whole truth about our friendship, even though I think he knew all the time.

Anyway, I'm being vague.

In this dream, there are 3 parts. One that pictures his departure, one that pictures my advancement in life while he is gone and another one presuming his come back and us meeting. During the first act, as I shall call it, You have him and me walking down a street, me leaning against his arm (I never get physical with this friend) and being extremely sad about his departure. I could feel it in my guts, I mean I had a really heavy heart at this time during my dream. Then, all of a sudden we are laying on the grass (top shot, yeah I dream in camera views) and he asks me not to get too close to him because wel yeah he is a man after all. And then, something happens, there's a woman's voice over that tells we actually made love and that a child would be born out of that happening, the child that represents the proof he will ever come back (as I am the woman who will raise his child. Please no comments on this part of the dream, I know I will never have a child and more over I never even thought about getting 'this' close to this friend.

Anyway, so off we go to the next part of the dream. There you see me in some kind of 'reporter volunteer' I'm climbing some mountain who I think is the Mount Everest. All the way you have a filming crew following me around. I climb, I take some motorized delta plane (hang glider) to go up, up up...I fall, I get back up, I finally arrive on top. There I have this fantastic view on some city, with two weird major buildings. Those buildings are reproduced in the rock of the mountain I am standing on. There's still this voice over commenting what I do, I can hear it saying that half the incomes will go for charity and somehow, while standing there on top of 'the world' I am proud of my achievement.

Third and last part, I am in some state offices near an airport or something, but the place feels like a hotel, it looks like I live there somewhere in the building. I'm sitting in a white couch at the reception, people are running around, asking me stuff about work, I laugh. I understand I have a good relation with the people around me. Then all of a sudden, a man looking like Indiana Jones stands at the reception and I hear him saying "I'm looking for an Italian girl friend, she..." I immediately recognized him, it was my friend who had left (6 years before I'll explain later) so I stood up and looked at him from aside. At that point he turns toward me and says to the receptionist with a big smile "Nevermind I found her" . Then we jump into each others arms. The feeling here was so strong, I felt my throat tighten with the strong (happy) emotions flowing trough me at that moment. In the dream I understood he was 33 (so I was 32...I didn't see my face in detail so I can't tell you how I'll look by then) and I told him "My God D, you look good!" And yes indeed he did, I could feel my character in the dream, looking at this guy and thinking that he had practically no wrinkles at all. Funny.

After this, of course, I woke up. What an odd feeling, when waking up. I didn't know whether to be happy, whether to be sad, I just had this weird feeling. I was wondering, is this what I hope will happen? Is this what will happen? Is there any reality in this dream? What I do know is that, this departure is indeed something which really affects me. The fact that I dream about real life people is something which doesn't happen a lot, dreaming about real life situation is even rarer.

I've known this guy for over 10 years now and we went through some 'things'. We found each other back after a few years when leaving high school, ever since we've always managed to stay in contact. He already left a few times, always looking for something new, something to fulfill his life, so his departure this time wasn't a big surprise. Although this time I have a deep feeling it will be different. Don't ask me why.

Last year (I think) he declared some kind of feelings for me. As you all know I have a real problem dealing with relationships and emotions, so nothing came out of that. I preferred to deny any involvement, as I was afraid to even lose a good friend. To my surprise, it didn't really influence our relationship, we continued meeting each other as nothing had ever been said. I did write a post on this at the time it happened, look for one called something with "a golden door and a path" can't recall the exact title.

Now that he is leaving I can't stop myself from wondering what would have happened if we did start dating. How do you tell someone you love that you're going to leave them for minimum 3 years and that you will probably not come back any more. Would he have left? Would he have asked me to go along? Would he have said that no matter how far a part we are, we will always be entangled? I don't know.

What I do know is that since he told me he would leave, I've been asking myself a lot of questions about our friendship. I didn't feel as if he cared a lot about me telling him that I will miss our 'weird' friendship. I discovered some things which made me feel as if our friendship wasn't worth all that much. Of course this doesn't make me feel that wonderful. But after analyzing the whole situation I figured after all it was my fault. I had a very superficial bond with this guy. Just as I have a very superficial bond with everyone I know. I'm never 100% honest with anyone, not even 40% if being fully honest (now this is an honest confession) I never let people 'in', nor do I let myself 'out'. So how could I expect being a good friend of his, when I never took the time to really know him through & through. So I wrote him a message where I explained it to him, I told him I had never been honest with him, but that despite that, he had always been a very important person to me. Somewhat of a mentor, and if not a mentor at least someone who unknowingly had had a great influence on me. Someone I had to meet in order to evolve as a human being.

I will probably never have an answer on this message. But knowing I got it out there, knowing the vibrations of its contents are flowing true space & time, I know in a way it will get to him.

Talking about being honest and letting yourself 'out' and others 'in'. A few days ago I had this conversation in a car with some dude. When I understood that I actually never really take the time to know someone one. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't care. You know what I'm saying? I rarely ask questions, when I have questions about someone I try to solve them by myself deducting it's answer from 'visible' things that person does; the way he/she acts, things he/she says. But I never ask any questions. I leave persons as as they are, as they want to "come" to me. I think I don't ask questions, because asking questions and wanting answers implies some kind of judgement. I don't like any kind of judgement.

When you live like this, at a certain point you realize that you don't really know people around you. But then again, why make an effort to know people. One day they could be gone and then all you have left are empty answers. Like old files of a software you deleted on your pc, they linger, take up space and time and they're totally useless.

Of course this way of thinking leads me to another terrible discovery. Am I even attached to anyone at all? I mean, clearly I was attached to this guy who's leaving, but how will I feel within 2 weeks, 6 months, 3 years? Honestly I think there are only 2 people I think I will "in a way" miss if I ever have to leave. Maybe not even that.

I like a lot of people, I enjoy the company of a lot of people, but when it comes to the facts, I think I just need myself to go on. No one will ever be able to fulfill my person as good as I can fulfill it. that's why I don't like the idea of many people saying "I'm looking for my other half" or "It's nice to share a life" or "I want to mean something for someone"....gosh you have to mean something for yourself in the first place. Here I am again with the principle that one has to be 'self sufficient' before you can only imagine to get out there and to call yourself 'a strong human being'.

Anyway, this is one hell of a long post for a morning time. I'll continue my day wondering whether to be happy or to be sad after having had this dream.